I have so many truths to share with you guys, but I want to share them in the way in which I have come to internalize them and accept them. My last #MyTruthMonday post was the conclusion of my suicide story. Well, this journal entry was written in the days following that dark place. This was a moment for me to really dig deep and see what it was that I wanted out of life. Enjoy:
“I did not want to write in here. I was looking all around for my other journal, but it’s either misplaced in my disorganized mess (repetitive) or, it’s out of this house…which is sort of terrifying. However, considering the nature of this journal entry, I find it quite interesting that it wound up in the pages of this sad excuse for an ‘exercise journal’ with “Dream Big” on the cover. This has everything to do with my dreams and nothing to do with exercise…and considering that the latter is but a daunting task that I keep yelling at myself to pick back up, or I’m going to be 3-fucking-00 pounds, I rather save that for a different sleepless night. I am on the verge of making the biggest decision of my life — one in which will determine the trajectory of my life. I’ve been moving through this depressing, self-loathing, alcohol-driven, motivation-less black pit that has become my life most recently. I’ve been beating myself up on the choices I’ve made and where I’m at now. But as I have been watching documentary after documentary, I realized two things:
- I was deeply angered and moved by each form of discrimination I watched.
- I have a voice — a pretty damn good one that could be used to elicit change in areas that I care about.
So now I’m stuck with a dilemma. How do I make the best of both worlds: having a job that provides financial stability and working on things that I’m passionate about and bring me happiness? I don’t know. But I need to think of ways to get my voice out there and to get my message out there. Because if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that I’ve never felt more alive and more passionate than when I was on the speech team. I wrote 10 minute speeches on topics that I cared about and recited them to the masses. When I was in leadership positions, I had a voice that spoke to hundreds of students. And the craziest part about that was, not only did they hear me, but they followed me. They trusted me and believed in the efforts I was trying to push forward. I know how I feel when I speak to high school students and I share my story with them. I know that I thrive when speaking on issues that are not only important to me, but to others, and that I can help many by using my voice. I know that if I don’t pursue a path in life in which I can use my voice, I am not only doing a disservice to myself, but to others. And I don’t mean that in an egotistical way. But I say that to mean, I’ve seen the things that this voice inside of me has done for others, and I could never forgive myself if I let that go to waste. So I’m going to use the things I do know to motivate me to uncover the things I don’t. And there’s a euphoric nervousness that I feel deep down inside me to begin this journey. ”
And here we are — a year later with a blog…using my voice 🙂 Peace be to all of you beautiful souls out there. Never forget how dope you are and Seek Happiness, Always.
Cover photo: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/42573158953441477/